Thank you, nausea. 

Nausea is not one of those things that I would wish on anyone, especially severe nausea. However, after trying to get pregnant for so long, nausea became my frenemy.

I’ve never welcomed nausea with open arms until I realized that it was a reminder of the biggest blessing in our lives. My initial thought every time the waves of nausea hit me (which was pretty much all day, everyday) was: “How long do I have to deal with this?” and my second thought was: “Well, at least I know the hormones are still surging.”

For the first eight weeks all I ate was crackers, water and sometimes a SMALL sip of some kind of juice. It got to a point where even the crackers and water made me sick and I would honestly just go to bed to avoid it all, even if it was 6PM.  Sometimes I could add a little butter to the crackers change the taste and feel like I was eating something new.  The water was my most difficult challenge because if I didn’t drink enough water, I would get horrible cramps but if I drank too much, I would get sick. It was a vicious cycle but one that I was glad to experience because I knew that meant I was still pregnant.

Cramping was my biggest fear and when I say ‘fear’, I mean more like borderline phobia. Every time I felt, even the slightest cramp, I just embraced for the worst and dreaded reliving the nightmare I was finally learning to cope with. Fortunately the cramping was due to normal expanding and growing of my uterus and drinking all that water water was enough to alleviate it. Along with all that extra water comes extra bathroom trips. LOTS of bathroom trips, like every 30-45 minutes. I was tired of being nauseated, tired of getting up to go to the bathroom and exhausted beyond belief but I was glad to be pregnant. Talk about bitter-sweet.

I couldn’t wait to make it to the first appointment because I thought that would somehow make it more real. Then maybe I could relax and not be as nervous about losing this baby too. I literally felt as if every day that we got closer to that first appointment was a small victory to celebrate. I had not realized, until this point, how traumatized I really was from my miscarriage the year before.

Appointment day finally came around and was such an emotional wreck. I could not wait to have our pregnancy confirmed but I was still trying to mentally prepare myself for some awful news. As the nurse asked me questions, I grew impatient and then the doctor comes in and asks me almost the same questions. All I could think was, “When are you going to ease my anxiety, Doc!?” 

Finally we get to the ultrasound part and PRAISE JESUS! We heard a heartbeat and saw our baby!  That moment was filled with so much intense joy that jut cannot be put into words. GOD IS GOOD!

That night we told our son because we just couldn’t keep this secret any longer and he was starting now to get worried that mommy was “sick” and in bed ALL. THE. TIME.

Several weeks later, once I was out of the “danger zone” (A.K.A. my first trimester) and a much lower risk of a miscarriage, we shared the news with our family and then shortly after with our friends. It felt great to be able to announce our pregnancy!!

I still have fears of miscarrying and I can come up with a very valid reason for every stage of my pregnancy.  I think the trauma of a miscarriage never goes away but despite the fear, we must learn to enjoy life’s many blessings.  For now, my frenemy, nausea, has been replaced with an emotional roller coaster. Cue the tears.  Pass the tissues, please. 

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